Today, I came in a bit too hot in a meeting. I was getting frustrated by a delayed timeline, and I let my emotions get the best of me. It didn’t take long for my outburst to affect the remaining discussion, so I knew it needed to be addressed.
Most importantly, I needed to figure out how to apologize in an authentic, meaningful way. To convey that I was truly sorry for my action, and that I will do better.
I wound up sending a personal message to each stakeholder I felt I had wronged, with the following message:
Apologies that I came in a bit too hot there. I want to push us, and I don’t want it to seem like I don’t appreciate your work here. I’ll do better.
The two people I sent individual messages to responded immediately and positively.
“Oh not at all, don’t worry. It was needed, and I appreciate it tbh”.
It didn’t make up for the shittiness I felt post-outburst, but it did give me a sense of relief that my apology was received in the way I had hoped for. A job well done.
I learned a valuable lesson today of the power of that apology. And I’d love to share the 5 things I think contributed to that well-thought out message:
- The apology should feel personal and individualized. By messaging people individually, I opened a path for vulnerability and private discussion. In contrast, a “town hall” type apology just comes across as a bit too stoic. Almost like a celebrity apology video, purely to appease the masses.
- Apologize for the action, not how it was received. Remember this phrase – “I’m sorry you feel that way”? I hate that phrase, because it emphasizes your reaction more than my wrongdoing. The apology should reflect what I did that hurt you, thereby taking complete accountability.
- Provide context, not justification. In the above example, I wanted to provide the briefest snippet on why I was so heated – but not enough to justify myself. “I want to push us” does that, because it explains my passion without justifying the wrongdoing. It takes EQ to know when to stop, which is a nice way of saying the balance is hard to perfect.
A good rule of thumb is to ask if your context is debatable or controversial. If it’s not, you’re in the clear! - Recognize the work/appreciate the recipient. An apology without this in theory is fine, but adds a complimentary tone of empathy to complete the message. It highlights the value of the recipient, which is often lost in an apology predominantly me-facing. “I don’t want it to seem like I don’t appreciate your work here”.
- End with action. Preferably in the form of how you’ll improve in the future. In my case, it was as simple as assuring the two individuals that “I’ll do better”. It’s a great way to provide closure to the moment as well as accountability to follow up with action.
And there you go. 5 tips to write a good apology.
To write a great apology requires a 6th element – you must mean it. No amount of tips can teach that, or evoke it. The apology must come from the heart, normally easier when you recognize that you screwed up in the first place.
Think inward, and you won’t be sorry.